it been really really long since i last blogged. not many will drop by now. =)

its been pretty long since i last blogged just an incident that happen in camp that im really unhappy about. that i just wanna say about my feelings. i know my PC wont read this but my specs and i are increasingly unhappy about him.

don question my command decision when you yourself can't decide on what you want. when i command, i know the end state that i wanna achieve. things will be much faster and easier for the soldiers instead of them moving here and there. i really question your command decision. since when did the guys do declaration in vehicle level? (unless otherwise stated by OC & CSM) its always in platoon level. falling in people in vehicle level was to facilitate commanders to collect ammunition easier. and after that i wanted to them to fall in in platoon level to do declaration. while i was away, you made your own decision to tell them to shift in to do declaration but in vehicle level. and when i came back to change it to platoon level, you question my command decision. i have received instructions and i know what i am doing. you should just move one side and carry on with what you are doing, all these is my job and don't come in to interfere when you do not know anything.

you want my specs to fight with you and in the end you f them for not meeting your expectation then did you tell them your expectation and SOP in the first place? i do not like the way you talk to them, as if you haven't know, if my specs and esp me who decide to let things go one day, you see what will happen to the platoon. if i had chosen the OCS route, i swear that i will be a much better platoon commander than you.

go and ORD quick, cause i will be really happy to see you leave. you should have stayed in logistics and not appeal to come infantry. now i know how good you were when you were as a cadet and why your first posting was logistics. throughout just 2 months working with you, i really felt you have stayed in logistics. simply, you are not up to mark to be an infantry officer. and perhaps, if you were a diploma holder, you wouldn't have ended in ocs, you would just be a man maybe. now i understand why the man's feedback to you was so poor.

luck wasnt on my side this few days. I lost my camp pass, id tag, and almost lost a controlled equipment in camp. i do not know why luck is so bad. in fact, feel kinda down though. because of lost ID tag (if you guys do not what is ID tag, its more commonly known as dog tag which serviceman wears). and when i told my OC i lost it outfield, i was given extra duty to do this coming week. i will take it.

booking in tonight. booking out on saturday morning. booking in on saturday night. nice.

lost for words. im going outfield this wednesday to friday.

Initially, I wanted to type an email to Ivy, someone whom I look for when I need advice and show me the light, like a younger brother who talks to his elder sister. But I guess, I should handle it myself and hence I am here to blog this out.

Going into 2 sir and transiting from a cadet to a 3rd sergeant its never easy, I feel very stressful. As a cadet, you always listen, you just listen. People ask you to sit, you sit, stand you stand. Simple as that, basically it is just listen to instructions and move accordingly. Now as a 3rd sergeant, I am responsible for 6 guys who are placed under my charge. I think that I am not up it and I think I am not ready for this. I command people now instead of being comand. I find this a stressful job because officers, csm will always be looking at how you perform. Even if they don't say anything, you feel the pressure. The last time when I hold an appointment was when I was in service learning, where I was given the freedom to lead, expressing myself. I have no problem talking to the facilitators in charge. In fact it was like I lead, and I will just inform what I am doing and where the team is. Now, in army is different, you are bounded by alot of guidelines, and perhaps that i want to excel in army but bounded by guidelines has given me immense stress. I mean, not that I want to excel in army but I just want to do my job well.

I almost broke down in my first week in 2 sir, because there were so many SOP in this battlalion i mean every battlalion has their own SOP but they threw it right at our face just like that and then we will take over command and execute it.

Army is not that bad if they allow us to book out every day and go back camp the next day. I think it would be really good, like stayout. Then serving the nation wouldnt feel so sucky. I hope they change this stay in policy one day. Unless we have field camp or training programme, if not I think they should allow serviceman to go home.

alright enough about army.

Today is father's day. We went to some lorry carpark at bukit batok to eat steamboat. Nice food though and on the way back, in my bro's van, i was looking at jiaying's face. her sideview, i was thinking, what if one day she dies, what is gonna happen to me. I feel so scared all of a sudden. I know we will get married and grow old one day, and it came to my mind that if halfway, through raising our kids, she leave us, what is gonna be left of me. i cant imagine that. just like her dad who left them alone when she was just 13. Just feel that life is so fragile and me being me, do not allow her to jaywalk, and i always ask her to cross traffic junction though i bet sometimes she don't do it. Whatever it is, I am just scared. I really don't know how if she really leaves this world. I think it will be the end of the world for me. Really end of the world.

Alan

I'm posted to 2 sir which is at Ang Mo Kio, Amoy Quee camp. I would prefer to become an instructor though.

I have pass out from Specialist Cadet School(SCS), and I have gotten a silver bayonet. It is a bayonet that is give to people who are top 10 percent of the cohort and I am in it and top 10 in my company and as a result of this, I have to go a unit and not stay in training school. I do not know if I should be happy about getting the award, because I can't stay in training school because like they say, top 10% will go to the unit only those people just below top 10% will stay in training school and of course, the bottom of the cohort will become BMT instructor. I wanted to stay in SCS very much because I would to instruct than command people. Damn.

Going to a unit, means alot of field camp, alot of shell scrap to dig. Have to control man, alot of responsibility. This coming july till october, I may not even be home even on a Saturday due to training and training is often affected by logistics means. I understand this but yet I hate this. It mean alot for me to be able to go home on a Friday. Now becoming six days in camp, I am trying to comes to terms with alot of things in unit, the heavy responsibility as a sergeant and many more. Life is not getting any better, and this whole week, i almost broke down. Luckily there is my girl who is there for me. Accompanying me when this is nights out.

Adjusting to life in unit.

This song just fit perfectly to you & I. Back then when I first saw you at the interchange, you were only 14 and I was 15. I got your email from Wei Kang, I still remember your email was o0_shenjiaying_0o@hotmail.com. and i got your number after a few times we chatted on MSN. and i started smsing you though not often but that was enough to make my day. I remembered wei li and i was walking to cwp to eat dinner, and we saw hui fang & you and wei li said he wanna call to meet you up and then go for dinner together. i didnt know what gave me the courage but i agreed. we sat near the stall where it sells fruit juice today. i still remember you left at about 630 because you had piano lesson at 7pm. and it was a Tuesday. and it was drizzling. it was cold. and i told you to bring a jacket for class.

if i was not into sports when i was young, i wouldnt have know wei kang when i was young. and i wouldnt have got your email from him or perhaps wouldnt even get to know you.

if i was not into sports, i would have never met you because i wouldnt stay back after school to play soccer with my friends till 6 plus after school and that would not result in me seeing you at interchange.

if i was not into sports, i wouldnt have known wei li and get even closer to you.